


nO smOkInG iN tHe HoUsE

by honeyhoneybee



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Allergies, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, Sibling Bonding, Sick Luther Hargreeves, Sneezing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-19 21:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19364407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyhoneybee/pseuds/honeyhoneybee
Summary: Diego and Klaus smoke a blunt together for the first time in years and Luther "nO SmOkiNg iN tHe HoUsE" Hargreeves tries to ruin it.OR: They finds out Luther is allergic to weed and Diego finds this very amusing.Rated T for language and that good kush





	nO smOkInG iN tHe HoUsE

**Author's Note:**

> Another old one from my Tumblr. Sorry for bombarding you all with content, I'm just trying to update Ao3 to have everything before I add any new stuff!!
> 
> Also quick announcement: I do in fact have a sneeze kink and some of my fics will be very sneeze-heavy and have sneeze spellings. If this is the case, I will tag it as "Sneezing" (otherwise I would just tag it as a normal Sickfic or whatever kind of fic it is). So please, if you see "Sneezing" tagged, know I really mean that sneezing is a central part of the story and not just something that happened in passing.

"You shouldn’t be smoking that in the house.”

Diego startled up from the blunt Klaus was holding out to him, nearly coughing out all of the hit he’d been in the middle of inhaling. With fire in his eyes, he turned around to glare at Luther, who was standing in the entryway from the foyer, arms crossed and jaw locked (Diego didn’t pick up on the red, irritated eyes and strained voice immediately).

Still facing the other direction, Klaus stole the rest of Diego’s hit. They’d only been passing the blunt around for about five minutes. They used to smoke together a bit when they were teenagers, but that was years ago. Diego ‘my body is a temple’ hadn’t smoked since. It had taken a lot of effort on Klaus’ part to get him to smoke again, and he’d finally given in. This was a big deal to Diego, and he was not about to let Ape Boy ruin this nice brotherly moment (or, more importantly, his first high in eleven years).

“Luther, we’ve been over this. Dad’s gone, so you can take the stick out of your ass now.”

“I don’t — I let Klaus smoke cigarettes in the house, which is what Dad always said not to.” Luther sniffled and scrunched his nose. “This is different — and should you really be encouraging Klaus to do drugs?”

Klaus grinned and shook his head behind Diego as he re-lit the blunt.

“It’s weed! Come on, you know you’re probably the only one of us who’s never even tried it.”

Luther had no comeback for that; Diego was probably right. Klaus turned around and grinned, holding the still-lit blunt out to Luther.

“Come on, Lulu, smoke with us!”

“Klaus, get that thing away from me - heh!” Luther’s nostrils flared and he brought a hand up to his face to swat the smoke away. Klaus pulled his blunt back and shrugged, finishing the hit for himself.

“Suit yourself, Sandra Dee,” Klaus joked, before putting on a show of theatrical fake coughing. “’Oh no, Rizzo, I can’t possibly smoke that. I’m too holy, I’ll get my little white satin panties in a bunch! You’re such a bad influence you dirty, dirty slut.’” Diego gave him a look before continuing.

“We used to smoke in here all the time, Number One — you know, those of us who were actually teenagers at one point? You knew then and it never bothered you.”

“Well, now I know I don’t like it, and I’m asking you nicely to please not smoke it in the house.” Luther indulged in a small sniffle and a quick, discreet swipe of his nose with a gloved knuckle.

“Hey, don’t knock it ‘til you try it!” Klaus held the blunt out to Luther again, holding it all the way up to his face this time.

Luther’s lips instantly parted with a loud, sharp intake of breath, in response to which he took a step back, bringing the collar of his overcoat up to cover his nose. Klaus pulled his blunt back again, fearing the possibility that the oncoming sneeze might blow it out (it blew out anyway).

Klaus and Diego both tensed slightly. Neither of them had seen Luther sneeze in at least ten years. In the past, Luther’s sneezes were pretty average; usually restrained, but on the softer side rather than the harsher side, even on the rare occasion that he let them out fully (usually only happened when he was sick and too tired to hold back).

But now, his larger physique made his brothers expect larger… well, everything from him. Watching his huge chest expand so much with such a deep breath, they both braced for impact.

Luther held his collar to his face, and after a second, shaky breath, ducked into the fabric:

“HEH-NXGTchiew! hihh… hih'INXGT-chiew!”

For a second, Diego and Klaus just blinked at him, mouths agape. Luther took in another breath and hesitated for a moment before releasing the breath in a sigh and poking his blushing face out from behind his collar, eyes downcast to avoid his brothers’ stares.

Finally, after a few seconds of silence, Klaus softened, a loving smile crossing his face. And Diego burst out laughing.

“Aww, bless you! That was so—“

“What the hell was that?” Diego interrupted, asking in between laughs. “Cat got your sneeze, Big Boy?”

Though he knew it was mean, Klaus couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at Diego’s joke. Yes, Luther had always stifled his sneezes, but not to this extent. And there was just an inherent comedy about seeing a big strong man like Luther let out a tiny little kitten sneeze.

Luther didn’t find it funny. Watching both his brothers laugh at him, his shoulders hunched unconsciously.

“Shut up,” he said gruffly, sniffling only a little bit deeper than before. The flame from Klaus’ lighter against the end of the blunt as he relit it captured Luther’s attention again. “Klaus, would you please just put the stupid thing out — ihhh.” Though he fought it, his lungs expanded wildly until he turned to his side and pitched forward again, nose pinched between thumb and index finger. “hh'XXGHT!”

“Salud.” Diego grinned. “I’m just saying, you really are full of—“

— “HAH'kgxtch!”

— “Bless you!”

“ —surprises, aren’t you, brother?”

Luther just stood there behind his hand, on the verge of another sneeze, though his nose was not yet fully committed to the idea. Diego bit down on a grin, watching this. “What’s got you sneezing your brains out, anyway?”

Luther pointed to the blunt, which Klaus was currently smoking.

“Maybe it’s the… huh! HNN'KGT! Huh-INXGTchiehh” Diego held a protective hand in front of the blunt, just in case Luther got any ideas.

“Nope, we’ve smoked around you and you’ve never reacted like this before. Try again.”

“Does someone have a cold?” Klaus teased, though he was somewhat serious. He reached out the hand he’d just used to light the blunt to feel Luther’s forehead, but his brother swatted it away, bringing his hand up to his face as his breath hitched again.

“No, Klaus, it’s the toxins you’re smokihh-INGXTSH!! ENXGTshieww! hh'NXXT!”

“Jesus, Lulu, bless you! Seriously, are you feeling okay?”

“More importantly: why are you sneezing like a little girl?” Diego raised his brows at Luther; Klaus bit down on his lip to suppress a giggle.

Luther was flushed red now, and not just from embarrassment. His eyes were itching, and starting to water now, too. He rubbed them absentmindedly.

When Klaus noticed this he stopped laughing.

“Luther, your eyes.” Luther stopped in his tracks. “Diego, look at his eyes.” Diego rolled his own eyes, and held the blunt up to his lips to take another hit.

“What about them?” he asked before inhaling.

“They’re all red.” Klaus tried to reach out a hand to wipe a tear away form his brother’s cheek but Luther pulled away. His face fell; everhthjng was starting to seemed to click into place. “Maybe he is having some sort of reaction to the weed. Maybe he’s allergic!”

“He never has been before.”

“No. I'm only allergic to — wha?!” Luther was cut off by Diego holding the still-burning blunt up to his face. “What are y... hih!”

Luther quickly brought his hand back up to his nose and turned around, shoulders jolting away from his brothers three times with three rapid, nearly silent stifles.

“Diego, what the hell?!” Klaus grabbed the blunt from his brother and stubbed it out in his ash tray —but it was too late.

Luther’s body continued to be seized by nearly silent convulsions, his shoulders jerking more and more each time, until finally he left the room, still sneezing.

Klaus slapped Diego on the wrist.

“Ow!”

“When someone says something’s bothering them it’s probably not the best idea to shove it in their face.”

“But it’s never been a problem before!”

“Well clearly it is now.”

“Heh'GNXT-ihhGXXT!! Ehh....HAH-ENGTSHIEW!”

They were interrupted by the explosions down the hall, both flinching at the increasing volume of their brother’s sneezes as he slowly lost control over them.

Then came the sound of very loud nose blowing.

Diego and Klaus tried to bite down on their laughter; loud sneezes were unfortunately just as funny as quiet ones, and the nose-blowing didn’t help. Especially when you were high (in Diego’s case, for the first time in years).

Finally, Klaus crossed his arms over his chest and tried to give Diego a stern look (it was hard, he had to bite his lip really hard). Diego shrugged and bit down on his own grin.

“Congrats? You were correct?”

“Diego.” Klaus wagged his finger at him. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“You were the one who was shoving it in his face first! I thought he was just being a dick. Come on, so did you.” Klaus broke into a fit of giggles and nodded.

“Woopsies!” He picked up the blunt and his lighter. “Let’s take this outside before we actually hurt him.”

Diego followed him out into the backyard. Halfway there, he started snickering.

“Did you hear those fucking sneezes?” Diego finally asked in a whisper. Klaus just smiled

“I thought they were cute. And you were being mean.” Klaus grinned as he reached the doorway, blocking Diego’s exit from the house. Diego just chuckled.

“Come on, let’s go smoke.” Klaus booped him on the nose.

“I think you owe someone an apology first.”


End file.
